46 years down, anything to show ?

I am 46 years old today. I have completed 46 years on this planet.  I often wonder, when I go, will I have left my mark on this planet ?

Perhaps not. Because as far as notability goes, I have done nothing that would make me famous or will make people remember me, when I am gone.

To ensure that people remember those who are dead, in many cultures, children are named for their grandparents in the hope that at least the grandparents’ memory will live through the names bequeathed on the grandchildren. Little do these toddlers know who or what their namesakes lived for.

In the past almost half century, i have I think been a good human being. I have tried to love myself, often unsuccessfully its true, but have never once felt wanting in love. Till I was 16, I was covered and smothered with love- the love of my parents, while in their care, which continues to this day. I have had a blessed childhood, filled with fun and security and the knowledge that there were kind-hearted parents who wanted me to be the best human being I could be.

As a college student, after I left home, I was less-than- average as a medical student but managed to pass all exams by the skin of my teeth, but pass I did. I have never once had to repeat a paper or go to that dreaded batch called the “B” batch. I have been ragged and bullied but when it came to my turn as a “senior” to bully, I did not bully. I feel in the college I studied in, I tried to bring about change and show them as true Christians, no ragging is justifiable. I am proud of this achievement of mine.

After marriage, I have had a lot of difficult times, balancing my career and my home- every time a choice had to be made, I chose the latter. I know that people have looked at me with pity, seeing the years go by, without anything to show for them but my two children and my family. It took a toll on my health and my self care too. Food became a solace for me. There were times when though I chose my home, my mind and soul, used to think of all that I could have done, had I not married or had children when I did. I love my children and my family but sometimes, because I have been trained as a physician, I regretted not having pursued my career ambitiously and made a ” name” for myself. Today I have a 22 year old who is on her way to becoming a doctor herself and I pride myself in the fact that she has passed all her exams, without resorting to cheating or copying. Copying is rampant in the educational system she studies under. I think her stand on this and on so many other issues is testimony to her strong faith in herself and her God.

Today I have a job, after a 2 year break- yes, it has been confirmed and I am back in the workforce again. I had been written off 2 years ago, because of my decision to voluntarily quit a potentially abusive job situation. But by the grace of God and the support of strangers, I have been led back to work. I earn well today.

I am able to take work place bullying by the horns and am able to look a bully in the eye and tell her( so far), to go away and that is no mean achievement.

If I could do something differently in the past 46 years, I would have chosen not to have taken the path of dependency on food for all my ills. Perhaps a lot of the issues I faced might have been thwarted that way. If I had gone off food instead of gone on to food during my troubled times, perhaps my life would have been different. But one thing I am sure of, through everyone of my years and the happenings of my life, through every thick and thin, I have had the guidance and support of my God who has kept me from hurting myself, even though I fell. i have gotten through the toughest of tough situations, but I have not faced any lasting harm. So much so that I can truly say, even though I walk or will walk through the valley of shadow of death, I will fear no evil for I know a greater force than any on earth is there with me.

For the next year, I hope it will be filled with fun-filled days, with new and wonderful friends, strength and courage to stand up to wrongdoing and an ability to speak up for myself. Today my husband gave me the greatest gift he could ever have given me : he said, that I inspired him to deal with people without fear and with integrity and he said that it has made him love himself more. That I felt was the biggest compliment any human being could have given me.

I will try to be a good friend to all people I deal with on a daily basis and try not to think evilly of those who do me harm.