I weigh 193.6 lbs today – that is 88 kgs. In kgs it looks a lot smaller but it is what it is. My ideal weight should be 131 lbs. I am like 60 lbs overweight. My BMI is 30. something. I am overweight. I need to accept that. I travelled once to the US last November. Returning home, i was jet lagged and drained. Then started my sugar splurge- a tsp here in a cup of tea, a couple of teaspoonfuls there. And the weight slowly started creeping up. To be fair, it crept up slowly. There were days when I had gas and migraine headaches and to control it I used Strawberry Fanta, which is one of the sweetest drinks available. Lunch is usually had at 10:30 am and naturally at around 3 pm, I would feel hungry and sugar deprived. I ran down to the cafe umpteen times and satisfied by sugar cravings with at least 2 bars of coconut Bounty each time and the pounds kept adding up. I reached 90 kgs at my worst- I don’t even want to see it in lbs. It would be near 200 lbs. My backside has grown laterally and posteriorly. I prefer to wear pants with elastic rather than ones with hooks. The changes have slowly been made even without my conscious knowledge. The sugar in my cups of black tea increased to up to 6 tsps at a time and then the number of cups of tea increased all surreptitiously of course. Two days back we had an issue with my elder daughter. A lot of concern and worry. Happy to say, I went off food completely during this time.

As I tense my body and purse my lips, I look angry. During sleep I clench my teeth and have the thing they call bruxism. I am tense even when I sleep- and sleep is hard to come by. As I tense my body, I feel heavy and uncomfortable. The 20 extra kgs weigh heavy on my mind and on my body. I waddle when I walk.

As I release, and write up my emotions on this new day, I feel like I can look at the facts more openly and move forward. I feel I can do it. I feel I can reach my 59 kg goal. I feel less heavy and more ready to commit to a plan.

One other confession- a month back, I read of Ritu’s signing up for Slimming World online and I did too- for 3 months. I was so sugar controlled that I could not even understand the plan. I cannot understand the logic of what they ask you to do. Now I use Slimming World only for logging my weekly weight loss or gain. There- I have got it off my chest.

Today is day 9.