Day 41- fear

June 24, 2018

Sunday. At work. There is a card sitting on my table. I am not sure who or how they put it on my desk. Turned out to be a birthday card – from the HR department. How did they know it was my birthday, considering that for most people it doesn’t even seem to matter.

After the GIS course issues and sorting them out and writing up assignments, I am now at the height of paranoia. I fear everything now. I am unable to embrace any good thing. I can’t seem to believe that good will happen. I am constantly second-guessing myself. It is not good. I seem to have lost confidence. And it is just 6 days to the day.

What am I going to do? Fears of whether immigration will swab and prod and push and be rude haunt me. Other fears about immigration at the other end of the passage taking me for an interview in a separate room trouble me- how am I going to deal with all this? No one in the family will be with me. I will be all alone. The fear of the visa interview tomorrow is killing me. What if they reject my application? What if everything so far has been in vain?

Fear is not good. It makes you sad and it makes you eat more. That is not good-either for me or my body. I don’t like to be dependent on anything. But it seems I don’t mind being dependent on my husband.


17 thoughts on “Day 41- fear

  1. A funny story which I will blog about one day: my first journey along overseas to the Middle East without my husband for a year: my luggage went without me as we were having a hurricane in Florida and most of the flights were cancelled.. The preceding flights were booked, and I couldn’t get to La Guardia. Teach Away, the consulting third party group I had got the job with, kept telling me “we need you. Just get on the next flight.” I wouldn’t without my luggage as I had bought new things and it was well-packed, so I called my husband, returned home, and then waited the next month until my luggage was returned safe. Then I left. Things happen and probably going in the next group was better as the first group was on the recent recruit’s list and I heard they went through some things! Breathe in and out. It is an adventure. Keep your wits and humor intact along with your phone or a good book. Try to be open and talk to those around you.


    1. Dear Cupcake,
      I suddenly realized that there are others like me. Wallowing in self-pity I have been for the past so many days. Thank you for sharing your experiences- it helped me more than you can know. I feel good now.
      I did talk to my husband for he is my only best friend( is that pathetic or what ) ?
      I am praying. I am a Christian and my problem is that i am still not sure if I am doing my will or following God’s plan. This is my problem.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Making friends was definitely a challenge as you get older. It took me almost the entire year as we were so spread out and getting around the country was challenging. Enjoy your day and take it one step at a time.


  3. You have the advantage of being a visitor in the United States while I was definitely the newcomer in the Middle East and learned the hard way about cultural differences. I think you have an advantage!!


  4. Your husband being your best friend is a good thing. A lot of women can’t claim that and it is so sad. The problem arises when he is not here .Till death do us part is real.
    Take a deep breath…every thing is gonna be alright.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. The closer you get the more apprehensive you will feel, then like a rock rolling down a hill, everything will go quickly and fall into place. Every time I have to renew my green card it is a major ordeal. Last time, in 2015, I had to return to the Immigration Bureau for more fingerprints, (ink prints the second time), then I had to go to the police station and get verification I’d never been in trouble with the law. All this because I have been typing so many years that my fingerprints are worn off. Good luck with the next step Susie.


      1. Now I am reading this after seeing your news – I am heartsick for you as you were so ready for the new adventure. I can’t believe I have to go through this either Susie – I have lived in the same city, at the same address for 52 years on July 8th … I’ve never been in trouble either so it is really an insult to have to go through all this just to get my green card. This was not the case until after 9/11 – for years and years, all we (my parents and I) did was fill in a postcard and sign it that we still lived at the same address as the prior year.


  6. I think this is very normal-at least I have reacted in fear when a long term project is near completion. Take each step, one at a time. I am quite sure the interview will be fine. You have come this far. Trust your journey-A lot of us are praying for you.


    1. Thank you, Ma’am. I went to church last evening- believe it or not- what the sermon was about ? ” Fear” I jumped out of my skin when I heard the priest say – the topic for my sermon is “fear”. Those were his exact words. I thought – this has to be a message for me- It cannot be a coincidence. He went on to talk from Mark 4- about Jesus calming the storm.

      Liked by 1 person

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