Post the events of the last week in my life, my husband and I have had some talks. 75% of our marriage has been made up of talks- counseling wise.

We are both born into Christian families and have ancestors who have been Christians at  least in name. I belong to a family which has family prayers, hymn signing during night prayers, everyone from the littlest to the biggest getting a chance to pray everyday and ask questions during prayer time, especially related to the Bible reading for the day. My in-laws have family prayer too which almost has the same routine but is only for about 15 minutes of time. Since my family is huge, by the time prayer finishes it would be a good two hours since we started. Prayer times are great bonding times in our family particularly since it is no TV, no cell phone time.

My husband and I tried to keep the tradition of family prayer ever since we married 25 years ago. To be honest, it hasn’t been consistent. Now if we pray together once a year, it is an incident. We of course, pray through the day, and read our Bibles. Our children do too. Church going has in recent days become a routine for my daughters and I.

Recent talks with husband about prayer brought a lot of revelations. I am the reason he does not pray and has a frivolous attitude to religion. The reason being that I harbour resentment and do not forgive people. If there are people who wronged me, I remember like an elephant. OF course I don’t take revenge physically but I do kill them a hundred times in my thoughts.

He said, since I do not forgive and forgiveness is one of the basic tenets of Christianity, he has lost his faith. For him when he sees me carry baggage from long ago and reacting abnormally in situations, he has lost heart and mind to pray. I feel horrible. I am putting another person away from praying. In my lexicon, that is a grave sin. My behaviour is such that it dissuades another human being from being intimate with God or tithe or any of the other things done by other Christians. In effect I am only a nominal Christian.

I have vowed to change. I forgave everyone with whom I resented. I prayed in my heart and asked for forgiveness. I am going to change. I am going to invest in things that are important for my spiritual life and for my husband’s. This has to be rectified.

Things to work on:

  1. Harboring resentment
  2. Forgiveness and moving on
  3. Encouraging children to get married
  4. Thinking less about myself and my requirements

This post is for my records so I can look back and read it and see where I stand compared to this day.

Mathew 6

Do Not Worry

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[e]?

28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendorwas dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

32 thoughts on “Christian

  1. Dearest Susie.
    May you find that which you seek.
    May you let go of that destructive thing which has lodged itself in your brain and found comfort there.

    Let it go Susie. Resentment is massively destructive. It robs you of your peace of mind; it spoils your days; and … it destroys you more than it destroys the person you’re directing your resentment and anger at. Learn to let it go. By keeping it, you’re allowing this nasty little thing to live rent free inside your heart and mind.
    Praying for you. ~ Cobs. x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Cobs. Thanks to my personal counselor, who has spent so much time on me and not given up on me for 2 5 years, I have begun to see reason and really forgiven people.
      I am of course trying to find out why things did not work out and now I realise that probably my reasons for going were all wrong, I am learning, Cobs.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. If you are speaking about forgiveness for your visa, know that it is more of legal or business issue and not person. Personal forgiveness if someone wishes you harm and does harm is another matter. Sometimes this means confrontation and then moving on. Forgiveness is always on the burner to move past. If you can move or do something about another visa, I would do what I could…if not, move on and seek other opportunities. Know it is not personal.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh, sorry to hear. I thought you meant the visa issue: something which you can’t control. Sometimes you have to let go of things. If someone steals money or valuable items, don’t let go until you are reimbursed! Just my thoughts. I hope your day gets better.


      2. If I want it , it is open as they are not hiring for that position,
        This position is not for my training but pays well- meets all my needs and then some.
        There are other jobs and in the health sector which I might get but will take time,
        I am working on personal improvement,
        Work in progress,

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Same here. I have some positions that have have been offered but since my husband’s cancer, we are trying to determine with his medical schedule which one will be best with the time constraints and the car. We are looking out for each other. I don’t want to be too far from the house as we share a car. I will email you.


  3. Actually, the thing about being offered jobs as an adjunct for several schools is that you wait to see if they have enough students so it is not a sure thing unfortunately like the medical fields, so I continue to go on interviews for more secure positions in case the adjunct falls through. Let me know if you got my email.


  4. I have a real problem with foregiveness also Susie – cross me once and you’re crossed off my list of people that I want to be around or deal with. I wish I could change my ways, but too many things have happened through the years to make me change back. I know it is not good for your health to harbor grudges, but still I do. We are human Susie. Life is tough and touch cookies cannot crumble.


  5. Dear precious Susie,
    Always the first step toward recovery is to admit you have a problem.
    You have admitted your weakness and asked for forgiveness yourself.
    Forgive me for saying this, but my first thought was your husband can’t blame you for his lack of faith. He made that choice for himself.
    But hopefully now that you have been honest with one another restoration can come to both of you.
    May God richly bless you both with His precious Presence,

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Forgiveness is so hard but so essential. When you don’t forgive it is soul draining and wears a person out…I know this from experience.
    Forgiving yourself for things is also sometimes needed. May your journey into forgiveness be rewarding Susie.


  7. I appreciate your honesty, Susie. I struggle with the same thing and am working on it. Reading a book right now called ‘The Praying Life’ by Paul Miller. It is fantastic and I plan to implement his suggestions to pray more and turn my will over to God. It is also wonderful that your husband shared so honestly with you. That is a gift indeed. -Molly

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Wow, what a struggle, Susie! I will be praying for you, and your husband as well. Forgiveness is so hard for us humans!! But so necessary for both our salvation, and peace of mind. I know you will sleep better with a clear conscience!
    Your husband is a good man, to be honest with you.
    Now you can become closer, hopefully!


  9. bethanyk says:

    Sometimes our husband’s need us to believe double for them! It is incredible to me to see how much we can lead someone into faith. But, I don’t believe we should allow others to use us an excuse to not pursue their own connection to God. Because we all falter and cannot carry the burden of others not believing just because we are human and have challenges.
    I admire you greatly for what you are doing

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Someone else told me this- that I can’t carry his burden for not believing but if a change in me can change him, I am willing to make the change. I hate to think I am the cause of his unbelief- just think how awful that sounds.


      1. bethanyk says:

        Which makes you such an enlightened being and I am honored to try and live better and do better because of the example you are setting


  10. Hi Susie,
    I did get both teaching jobs but classes for both next semester are not guaranteed. We shall see. I long for one permanent job in a school I love. I do like the new adjunct job at the University. THe students are great!


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