Christian

Post the events of the last week in my life, my husband and I have had some talks. 75% of our marriage has been made up of talks- counseling wise.

We are both born into Christian families and have ancestors who have been Christians at  least in name. I belong to a family which has family prayers, hymn signing during night prayers, everyone from the littlest to the biggest getting a chance to pray everyday and ask questions during prayer time, especially related to the Bible reading for the day. My in-laws have family prayer too which almost has the same routine but is only for about 15 minutes of time. Since my family is huge, by the time prayer finishes it would be a good two hours since we started. Prayer times are great bonding times in our family particularly since it is no TV, no cell phone time.

My husband and I tried to keep the tradition of family prayer ever since we married 25 years ago. To be honest, it hasn’t been consistent. Now if we pray together once a year, it is an incident. We of course, pray through the day, and read our Bibles. Our children do too. Church going has in recent days become a routine for my daughters and I.

Recent talks with husband about prayer brought a lot of revelations. I am the reason he does not pray and has a frivolous attitude to religion. The reason being that I harbour resentment and do not forgive people. If there are people who wronged me, I remember like an elephant. OF course I don’t take revenge physically but I do kill them a hundred times in my thoughts.

He said, since I do not forgive and forgiveness is one of the basic tenets of Christianity, he has lost his faith. For him when he sees me carry baggage from long ago and reacting abnormally in situations, he has lost heart and mind to pray. I feel horrible. I am putting another person away from praying. In my lexicon, that is a grave sin. My behaviour is such that it dissuades another human being from being intimate with God or tithe or any of the other things done by other Christians. In effect I am only a nominal Christian.

I have vowed to change. I forgave everyone with whom I resented. I prayed in my heart and asked for forgiveness. I am going to change. I am going to invest in things that are important for my spiritual life and for my husband’s. This has to be rectified.

Things to work on:

  1. Harboring resentment
  2. Forgiveness and moving on
  3. Encouraging children to get married
  4. Thinking less about myself and my requirements

This post is for my records so I can look back and read it and see where I stand compared to this day.

Mathew 6

Do Not Worry

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[e]?

28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendorwas dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

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Glory

Romas 5:3-5

— But we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance. perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame——

The strength of mind and gladness in the heart to spend some more days at home. Wait and watch in gratitude. So much of love from colleagues.

Dean called me to room to meet. Big surprise. Never had the need to meet the Dean. To discuss a project.

Feeling good.

 

 

Yield

There is a storm- this is a storm. In the storm, a big, tall strong tree, bends this way and that. As if it were playing with it, enjoying the wind and the rain on its leaves and trunk. A boat was crossing a lake and suddenly a storm came up. The boat rocked this way and that. Water entered the boat. The people on the boat panicked. Except for one. The one who was sleeping inside through the storm, yielding to it in every way. The other passengers who had seen the storm and the wind and the water and the waves woke him up. He looked around and at them, with a look of why did you wake me up for this? I was sleeping so well, tired after a good day’s work. But he cared for them and did not want them to be scared anymore- he said- peace, be still and the forces of nature yielded to his voice.

Things in nature are so balanced. They know that in a storm, the best strategy is to bend and yield over. A strong tree has deep roots.

Every storm passes. God is in the storm and the forces of nature know that.

Day 41- fear

June 24, 2018

Sunday. At work. There is a card sitting on my table. I am not sure who or how they put it on my desk. Turned out to be a birthday card – from the HR department. How did they know it was my birthday, considering that for most people it doesn’t even seem to matter.

After the GIS course issues and sorting them out and writing up assignments, I am now at the height of paranoia. I fear everything now. I am unable to embrace any good thing. I can’t seem to believe that good will happen. I am constantly second-guessing myself. It is not good. I seem to have lost confidence. And it is just 6 days to the day.

What am I going to do? Fears of whether immigration will swab and prod and push and be rude haunt me. Other fears about immigration at the other end of the passage taking me for an interview in a separate room trouble me- how am I going to deal with all this? No one in the family will be with me. I will be all alone. The fear of the visa interview tomorrow is killing me. What if they reject my application? What if everything so far has been in vain?

Fear is not good. It makes you sad and it makes you eat more. That is not good-either for me or my body. I don’t like to be dependent on anything. But it seems I don’t mind being dependent on my husband.